as_iam

Not sure who is going to read this, if anyone even will, but it is nice to put down what has gone on in my life since last year when i posted last. where to begin. . . i got engaged on November 28, 2007! I moved out of downtown and now live in the suburbs. I found out that I am pregnant on January 23. I found out on February 28th that I was pregnant with twins. I started feeling them move on April 13th, and on May 19th that they were both girls!!!! I started feeling them kick on June 18th. My hours were cut beck alot from 11 hours to 9 hours and then down to 5 hour days with a 15 min break every 2 hours. With my career this was making my life very challenging to make any money. I work on comission and this was not allowing me to make much money in the short amount of time that I had available for clients to get in. I have now become to big in my belly to drive since my seatbelt doesnt fit around me, i was unable to get close enough to the shampoo bowl to comfortably shampoo my clients and during my pregnancy i developed carpal tunnel which was creating a lot of issues with my career. I was completely uncomfortable all the time that i was at work and it sucked to say the least. Let alone the questions that I had to answer over and over again with clients. It just became to be too much for me to handle. I was getting really emotional and some people do not think before they say things to a pregnant woman, I couldnt take it anymore. So I decided to take a personal leave until I deliver. In the meantime, I have been to the Dr. a lot, being pregnant with twins they like to see you often to make sure that everything is going well. I am glad to say that things could not be going any better! The Dr. told me that my body is like a machine and it is handling pregnancy wonderfully. There is no reason that I should have to concern myself with anything negative. The girls are developing well, Baby A is 3lbs 4ozs and Baby B is 3lbs 1oz. they are actually above the average and i am so thankful for that!! we still have about 11 weeks until their actual due date and there is no reason why I should deliver early. As anyone who has been pregnant knows, things could change weekly, but as of now i have been told to continue doing what i have been. their room is all ready and they have an entire walk in closet full of clothes!! my fiance and i cannot wait for their arrival!!!!

So here i find myself up on a tuesday at 6AM!! ahh. . ive now been up for two hours on only four hours sleep. . i attempted to see the lunar eclipse, however living downtown you lose the sky amongst all the buildings. . oh well. . i find myself in a great place in my life. . i had celebrated a birthday at the begining of the month and i was questioning what i was doing with myself.. was i supposed to be in killumbus, should i move? am i happy? am i stable? am i bored? i had so many things going on in my head, until out of the blue someone from my past has come back! it has been really rad! i was not long ago questioning my life and now my life has jut started a new phase! the "friendship" that i find myself in is like nothing i have ever experienced. we are just friends currently, of course there is a bit more to it, we want to build a friendship to the fullest before moving onto the next "level". we both want to be together forever and just want to take the proper steps to make it the best that it can be! after all your partner for life should be your best friend, if you can't tell them everything that you do then you are lacking honesty in the relationship. we both want to keep the lines of communication open at all times, nothing goes undiscussed, we deal with our problems as we face them and as a team. i have never been happier than i am at this moment, i feel like all the trials and tribulations that i have been through are actually paying off. you learn from everything in your life and it is up to ou to use that knowledge and apply it to your life. i always tried to control my life and i realized that i was missing out on so much. i am learning to let go and roll with the punches, and so far so good. i awake everyday with a smile on my face as i gaze into his eyes, i miss him every second that i am not with him, i awate patiently until i can hold him in my arms again. . he is my everything. . . i can say that there is a part of my heart that belongs to him and in time i hope that he can fill any void that comes my way. . we have had so much support from family and friends and everyone that sees us together says that we are ment to be for each other. . we both highly agree with that statement but we want the friendship to grow before moving on and i am one hundred percent okay with that! so long for now i will keep you updated!! i hope that this feeling stays forever!!!

My life had seemed to have a stand still for a while, but as of recently it has gotten kind of exciting. A few months ago I had talked to my Astrologer and she had said that this will be a summer of love for me. She had told me that I would also meet the man that I would settle down with and it would be someone completely new to my life. Well, I cant say that I have met anyone new however I have had someone from my recent past come back into my life very unannounced. I did not think that I would ever see this person again and I did not know that I wanted to. I still am not sure that I am allowing myself to completely give in to the seduction. . . but I am glad that I have something going on in my life! Work has been picking up a lot as of lately and my family issues seem to have diminished for the time being, glad that I now have something to occupy my time. We will see what happens, ill definitely keep you informed!

I just read my birthday card from my amazing mother, it had one of those cards in it that you can carry with you. . this is what it says:

Daughter
today and always,
please know that I see you.
I see the path you've made
that's all your own.
I see the many unique
talents and gifts you have to share.
I see your brilliance, your enthusiasm,
and how deeply you care
and hurt sometimes.
I see your hard-earned wisdom,
your soft pure innocence,
your courage and compassion,
your unconditional goodness.
I see what adifference
you make in this world,
and I hope you know
how very much I love you,
and how proud I'll always be
to have a daughter
as wonderful as you.

the first time I read it I cried and yet again as I typed it I definately had some tears. . . thanx mom, I love u.

So here it is, yet again another birthday. Time for me to re-evaluate my life. I for the most part am happy with how my life has turned out, I really do not have any complaints. I have thus far lived a very fulfilling life. I have tried almost everything that I have wanted to, I have met amazing people along the way and unfortunaately lost a few as well. I have a great career and a fantastic apartment. I have such better relationship with my family, I never thought that my family would ever understand who I am but recently they are opening up to my choices and realize that they are not that bad. Of course I could say that want to change physical aspects of myself or even wish that I was in some type of relationship. In actuality though none of that matters in the end. I can honestly say that I love who I am and who I have become. I would not change anything that I have done with my life. I however always get a little more emotional every year on my birthday. I have no real understanding why this happens but I am sure that getting one year does not help. One thing that I can say is that I am bored with what has been facing me as of lately. I feel like when I go into work it is the same everyday. . hanging with my friends is the same. . I do understand that we get into routines and that life seems to just fly by, but I do not want to get stuck . . I am still young and no matter what all I have alreay done there are a million of other obstacles that I need to conquer. . .and I will!

as of lately. . . . my realtionship has ended. . and im okay with that. . know that it sounds weird but i feel like i am finally understanding what is going on, and yes i am sure that is will make changes and i will learn more and have other obstacles. but right now i feel intelligent. i was totally settling in the relationship, don't get me wrong he is a great guy and i cannot say anything bad about him, but i know that he was not "the one". we had a great time together, but he never got to see the deeper me. he had no idea what had happened in my life to understand who i am today. he was taken back by my physical appearance, tattoos and piercings. as much as he said they were cool, he did not understand that it was my story. he was unable to communicate with me, very jealous of my guy friends and was slightly closed minded. . too much just did not add up. . . most of which is very important. other than that i am in such a great place in my life, i am fully aware of my surroundings and am on a path of enlightenment.

i have an astrology reading in 2 days, im stoked to see what is going on with the planets and me. . . also getting the rest of my koi done on my back, 17 hours thus far, lets see how much longer i have to go!

talk to you all soon . . .

Today was a very interesing day, as a matter of fact the past few days at work have been incredibly awkward. I have been at my salon now for 4 years, and have always worked with the same people. Well one of my coworkers, whom I look to for inspiraion, is going to another location. . I did not realize how much it was going to affect me, my emotions are all over the place due to this change. Then to top it off I am going to have another coworker leave. However she is leaving the company and moving away, that is really going to suck! It is so bizarre how life works, people come and go from your life and sometimes all you will have is memories of them. But ironically enough it also seems that you can meet them later in life and feel as if you never were without them. ..

Well here I am again. . . I guess that I have had a lot on my mind as of lately, but I do not seem to be to stressed by any of it. There are changes that are about to be happening at work, and I feel that it is going to be a good thing for me to grow and have an even better career. Yay!! I am still going to the gym, but recently I have been slacking, boo! I gotta get back on it!! My relationship is amazing! I have been having such a great time that I cannot beliee it. I can totally be myself and there is complete acceptance and unerstanding. We are hopefully going to be going on a road trip in the near future which will help in our growth as a couple. I am in so much shock as to the fact that I actually as way into this guy... can't wait to see whats next!!!

well here is an update on what is going on in my life. . . I have been working out 5 days a week, one of them with a personal trainer. It is amazing how much evergy i have now. I am starting to see great results which is helping me to stay focused on my goals. I am dating someone from my past. . it is great . . we have known each other for over 12years and just recently got back in contact with each other. I have been having such a great time with him it is unreal. we never have uncomfortable silences when we are together. i can totally be myself and don't feel like i have prove myself to him! yay! work as been work, not too much to report on. . . i am going to get to see my mom in a couple of months, hopefully that it all goes well. other than that i am just living my life the way that i always have!

So I have not been on here is quite sometime, and not for any real reason. I do not remember what was the last thing that I put on here and I really don't care, so here is what has been going on in my life. . I am going vegan, it has been a slight struggle but i am doing well. I am straight edge and loving life I have never felt so clear in my head. I a doing yoga twice at least a week and I thoroughly enjoy it, I feel very balanced. Work is well. I have moved and finally really feel at home, it is a great apt. All in all I have never felt better about where my life is and what has been going on in it. I can honestly say that I have no drama. I am content that my karma is paid off! There is however one thing that I really need to report about. I am very, very smitten over my best friend. This is something that lots of people know and I think that he also knows. We had a short "interest" in each other and then his recent ex came back into the picture, tore me apart. However, I seemed to keep it together for the fact that we are such great friends. We hang out all the time and have soo much fun together. We are always doing something crazy and spur of the moment. I am giving myself only a few more days to tell him how I really feel about him, it is tearing me up inside. I however am frightened that I may lose my best friend and did I mention that he is my tattoo artist?. I tell him everything that I am thinking about and totally open up to him, except in this instance. I guess that I really needed to get this out, it is eating me up. It is so hard when we hang out, all I want to do is hold him tightly and kiss him! We lay on the couch together and I want to lay in his arms. I want to hold his hand and never let him go. I have been in relationships before and for some reason he makes me feel like I have never felt before. OMG its killing me! I have only a few days left to get it all out and gather my thoughts.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?????

it has been forever since i have been on here and for no particular reason but the fact that i have been really lazy and not into too much of anything besides myself. . wether that is good or bad we shall not judge. . i have had the sudden urge to write on here as to the fact that i need to express somethings that are weighing on my mind .. .work is good, no real issues there, same mindless shit. . family is wonderful, i get to go and see my mom and sister in a few months and i am excited but at the same time nervous. i have gotten soo many tattoos since my mom last saw me that i know she is going to freak out and i am going to have to prepare myself for that. . friends are wonderful, i have recently came into contact with some great friends that i had lost contact with due to personal leaps and bounds that i had to make but i am very grateful to have them back in my life. . relationship, um. . can i say that i am unsure of what is going on with that. . i have recently been hanging out with a "friend" a little more and i love to spend time with him and as much as we like to take control of situations and make them what we want to be, i have tried so hard to let this one go with the flow. i feel good about it and he is an amazing person and the fact that we have been friends for a while helps the situation.. . the reason for this is some recent emotions that have come into play, me and my "friend" were watching eternal sunshine for the spotless mind last night, mind you i have seen this movie numerous amounts of times and never have i felt this way before. i know that everything happens for a reason and the reasons shine through later in life when we fully understand why. . i get this. however i did something about 4 years ago that completely changed my life, i am not proud of what i did and i have not told many people what i did, you can think what you want i cannot control that, but every so often it comes into my mind and i think, what if? i know that this is not a good thing to ponder because i cannot change the outcome, but it is good to think about what happened and understand all aspects of it. so not only am i thinking of this so called "situation" but i am also thinking of why now is this coming into my brain bringing up these emotions, why when i am having a wonderful time with a "friend" hanging out, what does this all mean. . i did not get much sleep last night and i even went for a walk in the bitter cold this morning trying to think about what the hell is going on in my mind. as i lay here in my bed i am trying to get it all out and come to a conclusion. however i wonder if this is just not the time to understand why?, maybe this is just another bump in the road of things to follow, maybe it is a reminder of my past, have i been ungrateful as of lately and this is what is going to wake me up? i have so much going on in my head, all i want to do in curl up in a little ball and cry like a scared child. . after all we are scared children inside. . do i let my "friend" see me crying, he has already seen me freaked out after the movie. . shit, why the hell do i care what he thinks, this is me and my whole goal in life is expression. . .as odd as it is i kind of just want my mother to be by my side and to tell me that everything is going to be okay. . . and in the end none of these emotions are going to matter, what matters is what you learn from all of these emotions. . . . .

As we know I have been on this path of purity, and can I tell you it is not easy. I have had my ups and downs throughout the past four months and have just now been feeling a sense of balance.
I still have the urge to smoke cigarettes, more of an oral fixation, but I have replace it with cigars and shisha. I realize that this was not a great idea and I am finally feeling that I do not need it anymore. I have not had the urge to drink, I never had a problem with alcohol, I just figured that I did not need to drink. The smell actually makes me sick, so I am in the clear with this. I have always had an addictive personality so to some extent the urge may always be there, but I know that I can conquer it.
During all of this I also omitted any type of sexual desire, I know that it sounds weird, but I am glad that I did. I was definitely tested on this decision. There were instances in which I was highly questioning what the hell was going on. Isn't it weird how that when we are not interested in looking for someone, there are about a million that come and find you.
I am totally into the whole rock and roll looking man. Tattoos and piercings are usually a must and definitely knows how to dress. The only unfortunate thing with this "image" is that the "typical" ones are usually unmotivated.
(this statement should be taken lightly, refers to men four years ago and later) As I had said last time I had met someone. He does not fit the "mold" in which I have painted in my mind, but is totally rockin' my world. He knows how to dress, he is witty, graduated college, and he knows about music. . . . he is a good guy. I think that he might just stick around for a bit. . .

well i would like to say hello to everyone, it has been a while since i have posted, sorry. . i have had some recent struggles in my life, and dealing with them has been rough. i have made so many changes in my life in the past few years, and most of them in the past few months, i am sometimes questioning why. . then i look back and realize that if i would not have done them i probably would not be here. it has been brought to my attention recently that some people from my past are not very accepting of them. it hurts me very much because i have always been someone who values my friends and all the changes that they have made, why the hell can't they do it for me. well for whatever reason they are not.. i know that people come and go out of life and i am losing touch with all of those from my past. i guess that my past is my past for a reason, don't look back. .
i have been working way too hard recently, not that this is a bad thing because i love what i do . however i feel like i am losing touch with my self and others around me. . i have not been very balanced and i need to get back to that..i have been slipping in some of my choices that i have made and i really need to focus on the reason in which i have turned to them. . i have always had a great will power and i feel that through all of my struggles i am slipping because it is breaking me down. . maybe i need to go and get tattooed to bring me back to reality, it seems to help me. . it is a healthy addiction, i think. . .
i have just recently been on a good path with my mother, and it scares the shit out of me that her and my sister are in florida and all these damn hurricanes are there. i know that they love it down there so i would never make them feel bad, but the thought of losing them in a hurricane haunts me every day. i do not want to feel this way but i can't help it. . but deep down i know that it is not their time and they will not be injured. . .
i have been talking to someone as of recently. . i am unsure of what is going to happen between us but i am not going to sweat it. . if i take a laid back approach it might just work. i do not know if i really want to be in a relationship but i am willing to see if it works out. .luckily i am able to be friends with someone even if a relationship does not. . .i will keep you posted.
i am going to stop boring everyone to tears with my pathetic life. . later. .

i have no idea where the time has gone. . i feel like the days are just passing me by. . i have celebrated my birthday, the big 25, it was challenging and had some ups and downs. . i cannot believe how miserable i was about getting older, i feel as if i had huge plans for my life and am running out of time, this is a little dramatic, sorry. . i really cannot complain my life is great, i have wonderful friends, family and a paying job. . and hey i got my ribs tattooed, life is not that bad. . i have had some friends come into my life and have made things challenging. . i realize that no matter what age, ethnic background, or sex we are all exactly the same. . we are all here to learn. . i have recently felt the wrath of some serious judgment. . i felt as if i was treated unfairly and spoke up for myself, it has however created some tension, i realize that we are judged every second no matter what, but to have someone contradict themselves while judging me is completely unacceptable, if you are a friend you cannot be over critical. we are all entitled to our own opinion and i am open to them, but you cannot try to change me. . whether it be tattoos, piercings, makeup, clothes or accessories. . they all make up me, who i am, if you do not like them and cannot accept them. . then you do not like me. . that is just the way it is. . if you are a true friend you accept me. . apparently by me expressing this, the person on the other end did not respond. . that just proves that they are guilty of more than judgment. . they were not in it for friendship. . just sexual stimulation. . really is that all men think females are for. . wake up and realize there is more than sex in life. . i have become celibate for strength and purity, it is going to take a lot for me to give that up. . i am saddened that i may have lost a friend but i am not going to lose my dignity. .

so i have been celebrating my birthday for the past few days. i have spent these days hanging out with my friends and taking it easy, i have not done much of anything. as i awake to my actually birthday, i find myself excited to get the day going. i have to renew my drivers license. typically one would not care and this would not be a big deal, but to me i have to look perfect. i got my hair colored the other day so it would be fresh for the pic and i have to make sure that my makeup was done correct. i was hoping that the line at the bmv was not going to be long, and to my luck it wasn't. it got in and out in no time, thank god, and my new license looks great. i was then off to the tattoo shop, to see my fun artist/friend. i had a few ideas in my mind, but i decided on two serpents intertwined on my ribs around my runes. wow of all places to get tattooed on my birthday. i feel so bad, maybe not, every time that i get tattooed by my friend, it is always something quite complex. hey it is your job, get paid! after three hours non stop on my ribs, i feel fulfilled. after a few choice words and some slight wining i am glad that i got it done. i am so happy with my serpents, and glad that i got them done on my birthday. more to come on what happens tonight. . .

yes, i am a little crazy, i am celebrating my birthday for 4 days prior to and many after. on the first evening i went out to dinner with my friends from the "g", we had a wonderful dinner with great conversations planning our vacations for next year. we like to think ahead. anyway. we are sitting outside and the cake arrives, mind you it was half of a cake. there are candles all over the damn thing, so many that i thought that it was going to explode. as the typical birthday song is sang the candles go out, really i think that this is a sign. so they get re lit, and re lit, and re lit. i have never made so many wishes so fast. the cake is being shared with everyone that is hanging with us, dig in. it was amazing, nothing like sharing the love. as the evening continues with a hookah and great conversation it suddenly takes another turn. casually sitting i suddenly have a hookah in my lap, what the f@*#! the cake broke the hookahs fall and the top, coal and all were in my lap, and water all over my leg. are you kidding me, first the candles wont stay lit and now i have a hot coal in my crotch. i have a feeling that i am going to have a crazy year. i sure hope that this is not how it is going to be, miserable. that is the start of my birthday, lets see what is going to happen next. . . . more to follow. .

This is going to be brief and to the point.

I was hanging out at the "spot" and it was brought to my attention that there was a girl who had stumbled in the door. I kept my eye on her just to make sure that she was okay. I got lost in reading and looked up a few hours later and realized that she was out cold. Now regardless of what she was on the best thing to do is sleep. I let her sleep until some of my friends that work there suggest that I try to get her up. I approached her not knowing what to expect, so I was on guard. It took a little while to awake her and it was not easy. I eventually had to pry her from the table and get her up. She regained a small state of reality which gave me a sign that she was going to be okay. I helped her up to get her outside to get some fresh air and maybe call her a cab or a friend. As I have her balancing in my arms I am trying to call the number that she has given me. After numerous times it is not correct and she does not remember any other number. I put her in a chair a and go inside to find her cell phone which has fallen behind the chair. Luckily I get a hold of one of her friends to come and pick her up. They arrive shortly and take her home.
I left right after this event, I was very emotional after this. I have been in this state before and I wish that a stranger would have been so gracious. I was scared for her due to the fact that anything could have happened, but I was going to make sure that she was safe. I hope that she is okay and that she learned from this. I feel great that I helped her and she is okay and unharmed.

I have recently been looking for a group of friends that I can be my wacky and crazy self around. I can say that when I hang at the "g" I feel accepted. I am very outgoing and I feel that I do not have to hold myself back. I have met some great friends here of all ages and ethnic backgrounds. I used to be closed minded and only put myself around those that I thought were my friends. It turns out that all those people that I used to associate with had me conforming to what they wanted me to be. This is not how I am and I do not want to lose my independence and everything that I have become. I am very proud of all that I have accomplished in the past few months, I feel that I have really become my own. I love being me. Some may be intimidated by who I am and what I have become but that is me, accept me for who I am. I am not going to conform to who society thinks that I "should" be. I am very thankful for becoming great friends with R and D, they have helped me become more spiritual. I am thankful for S and C, they have helped me conquer myself, to let go and realize that I am not in control of anything that I thought I was. Last but not least I am thankful for all the friends that I have made at "g", they have given me culture and opened my eyes to so much that I was unaware of before. I am glad that I have friends that let me be me. Thank you everyone you are all very special to me and I appreciate that. You all have a huge piece of my heart.

Note from the writer: this contains some knowledge that some may not want to know, and I really did not want to share, however if you want to experience my world, or what I share with you. Please proceed with the entry.


So I had a crush at the "g", but it turned out that he was not available. Well I guess that was my sign that we were not going to happen regardless. So I continue in my hookah smoking at the "g" and come across two different men that are in town on business. One of which in a man from Pakistan who is looking for a spot to sell clothing, we will call him "M". The other is a Somalian man who currently lives in L.A. and is in town working on a movie, we will call him "I". Well these two men are very interesting and have hung out for the past few days at "g". They both claim to be sexually frustrated, and I can definitely agree about this. We have come to the conclusion that "M" is desperate and that "I" is frustrated. Mind you that for the past few days me and "I" have had some flirting going on back and forth. One evening they leave to go find some ladies at a bar, haha, and when they return they have no ladies but a wonderful story. Apparently "M" buys a drink for a girl and "I" steps in and says that they have to leave. So they return with "M" cursing and yelling at "I" because he wasted five dollars on a drink for a lady and he did not get even a number. To top this off they apparently had been dancing for a while because they were both drenched in sweat, gross, and they looked like they were going to fall down right where they stood. So as the night progresses there is definitly some sexual tension between me and "I", which I am not opposed to but for the past few months I have been so focused on cleansing myself that I am not going to let myself give in. We do have interest in each other but the whole living in another state comes into play, and the fact that we hardly know each other. So the evening is coming to a close at "g" and "M" and "I" are now dancing for me. This is by far the funniest thing that I have seen in a while, I am loving every moment of it. So we. . . never mind this is not your business what happens over the next three hours. . . get your mind out of the gutter not what you are thinking, pinkey swear. So I then sleep the entire next day since I did not arrive home until that morning. I have another busy evening of a makeover and hookah smoking! As I enjoy another evening at "g" I partake in some serious conversations with "M" and "I", mind you I have not been very serious with they, lots of laughing and joking around. So the serious talks begin and I am now more confused than ever. I guess that I am going to have to take a step back and see what happens. I am not one to get obsessed with someone and I am not going to start now and this crazy sexual tension that is here now is bizarre. That saying "Out of sight, out of mind," is so true for my stand on this sexual frustration. So I guess I am going to stop reading into things and I am going to roll with the punches, cause that is how I roll!


This was the story in a small nutshell, there is a lot more to it, but I cannot let everyone in on my personal life. I have to keep you interested and longing to hear more. I am sure that this story will escalade and I don't have time to add to this now. I will keep you posted.

I have been through lots of challenges lately, but this by far was the most challenging, rock climbing. I had only made mention of this to S. and C. little while ago and here I am, there is no turning back now. This was the greatest challenge both mentally and physically and I am grateful that I had wonderful friends there with me. (thank you!) I was nervous and so excited to try this out and when I got there these emotions had lifted, it felt somewhat natural. Here you are with a harness between your legs, amazing in and of itself, tied to a rope and you are instilling your life into someones hands as you climb up this wall. I have no idea how high these walls are and I can say that the height did not scare me, all I knew is that I was going to make it to the top. I had made it up the straight walls but when it came to the walls with different angles it was a huge challenge, and I liked it. In the beginning of this challenge I just went with it and I must say that I did fairly well, I think. I had no real sense of what to do, I just did it and that made all the difference. As the day continued it got more and more challenging, mostly because I was over thinking it and my arms were shaking. I felt that I did really well and I know that I have a lot to learn, but I am willing to put in the effort to accomplish my goals. I am not into competitive sports but in a sense this is, only you are not competing with someone else, you are competing with yourself. Accomplishing this was the biggest rush, and I can suck up the fact that my body is going to be tired and sore tomorrow, cause that is how I roll. I am excited to do this again and maybe in the future trying it outside.